|
I Dream
Jan 30, 2004 17:35:59 GMT 1
Post by Taika of Narfell on Jan 30, 2004 17:35:59 GMT 1
I dream dream of freedom here in my prison freedom calls I cannot reach it I dream I fly free as a bird but my heart is heavy my soul is burdened I dream dream of understanding here in the enmity war rages I want out I dream I see across the world but it is empty empty and deserted I dream dream of unity here in my loneliness greyblack darkness light is far away I dream I speak of things I do not understand things I do not like but I sound cheerful I dream dream of peace with myself and others no wars only silence I dream I smile at myself it is but a dream it is sentimental ****************************** So, what did you think of it? Was something entirely wrong? Should I've done something differently? Was there a part you really liked? Why? I wrote it at the depth of my depression many years ago, and I quite like it, so I decided to translate it for y'all to see. Just tell me what you think. I need all the criticism I can get
|
|
Billy
Groundskeeper
Posts: 185
|
I Dream
Jun 25, 2004 18:04:52 GMT 1
Post by Billy on Jun 25, 2004 18:04:52 GMT 1
It sounds like someone who is sick of showing the world the face it wants to see. Someone who yearns for the freedom to be who she needs to be. Was I very far off? I don't see anything wrong with it. Why would you think you had done something wrong in this poem?
|
|
|
I Dream
Jun 25, 2004 19:21:00 GMT 1
Post by Taika of Narfell on Jun 25, 2004 19:21:00 GMT 1
Heh, the way I'd put it into strophes came after I thought of the actual poem. I started out with an idea, and a whole bunch of feelings. And I decided that this verse would suit them fairly well. And no you weren't far off at all. You were quite precise, in fact. Once again, YAY. I managed to write what I meant to. And even better, I even managed to translate it well. I mean I wrote the poem 6-7 years ago. Things have changed, I have changed, as have my situation, so I was rather curious as to whether I'd be able to translate it and not put my present feelings into it, but rather keep the feel it had originally. It seems it worked
|
|