three poems of a worn mind

[Vincent Darkheart]

[glow=red,2,300]The hell hound[/glow]
Cut off from reality,
ripped from his life,
The boy is a tragedy;
all that’s caused is strife
Not able to find his home,
the orphan walks around
He never seems alive,
been taken by the hound

The only family known,
is never there.
Imagined in one evening,
sleeping on the stair.
His only friends,
just barely with him
Tall have left him now,
gone from within

He sees his father,
upon the stand
Not knowing,
thoughts like sand
He runs over,
tears streaming down
He sees again,
that wretched hound

He buries his face
into the body of father
as tears fall,
no one seems to bother,
the sadness brought,
the destruction foretold
Only one sees
the child so bold

Through all the pain,
it seems to me
The young boy,
the dead man,
they’re finally free

stranded there,
watching the scene
the darkened stare
of the hound obscene
Through all of this,
truly soul bound
No one knows,
of the pure hell hound


[glow=red,2,300]Walk the Aisle[/glow]

There she stands, in her glory
Here I am to tell her story
The tattered bride, the groom so vile
Barely knowing, walk the aisle

He found her dark and in pain
She found him, thought demons slain
Little knew she of this pain-causing child
In ignorant bliss, walk the aisle

Insanity’s wealth, never seen
The patient's mind had always been
Full of lies and broken denial
Cannot see, walk the aisle

Ending lives, fully shrouded
Trying shepherd, vision clouded
Assassins wakened, a terror with guile
Slaughter withheld, walk the aisle

Decrepit reaper, deceitful fire
All in war, betrayed attire
Needing triumph, lost in trial
Feeding hatred, walk the aisle


[glow=red,2,300]the finer things of love....[/glow]
[glow=green,2,300](not!)[/glow]
people have been talking
of how you destroyed my life
they say you sent me walking
filling me full of strife.

I have defeated hundreds to get you
died, and returned from dead
you've sent me through hell,
I've snapped like a thread

closely you make the way
bitterly escaping doom
you stole my heart that day
now I'm broken in my room

[travizzt]

Wow those are good!!! Keep it up!!!! Seriously, I can't wait to read somemore!

[ShadowDucky]

"Firstly on The hell hound. You obviously have phrase endings in the middle of each line. A more effective way to present this poem would be to adjust it like thus:

Cut off from reality,
ripped from his life.
The boy is a tragedy;
all that’s caused is strife.

This way you get the line separation you’ve indicated by the commas, but you’ll be able to eliminate them where they’re not actually separating clauses. This also makes it easier for someone reading the poem aloud – they’ll be able to easily tell where pauses should be.

You branch away from the set up rhythm in a few places – like the third line. Eliminating one of the syllables in the first part of it will fix the problem here. The second line of the third stanza – the first chunk needs another syllable.

The line “The young boy, the dead man, they’re free” does not fit in with the rhythm you’ve set up and stuck to throughout this poem. A subtle change of word or pattern ought to fix this while keeping the meaning you want. Maybe something like “Through all the pain/ it seems to me/ the boy and man/ they’re finally free” ?

This was a good poem that stuck to its rhythm and scheme fairly well for the most part. I would suggest reading it aloud a few times so you can see what I mean by the awkward rhythms in those few places. Also, mayhaps you could include an actual description of the hound?

**

Now for Walk the Aisle. This one is my favorite out of the three, I love the repetition of “walk the aisle” because you have successfully rhymed it with words that work, and it brings focus to what’s happening. The first two lines of the second stanza seem a bit awkwardly phrased. Maybe something like “He found her lost in dark and pain/ She found him, thought demons slain.” This situation resembles what I was saying in my critique of the first poem – occasionally you step outside of the rhythm you’ve set up, which presents a stumbling block to the reader. Feel free to eliminate one or two syllables in the line, as I did for the second line, as it still shows what you were saying and now locks into the rhythm. Poems don’t have to be grammatically correct, remember.

Another suggestion – remove the comma from the third line of the second stanza and switch the “she” and “knew”. It ends up flowing more smoothly. The third stanza is lovely, though I’ve one small qualm – I would suggest inserting a one syllable word in the second line, such as “has always been”. Again, it’s a rhythm issue. Fourth stanza, again, lovely with another qualm. The pattern for that stanza is a good development, makes the darkness rear up around the reader. I would remove the ‘a’ from the third line because it throws off the rhythm. I realize that I’m pushing rhythm at you, but when you use these organize rhyme schemes, rhythm is a big issue. You do have a good grasp of it, I’m just trying to help you improve. Finally, the last stanza. This brings good closure to the poem and provides a last hopeless look at everything. My only poke is at the word choice of the first line. This is probably just me and wouldn’t bother anyone else, but when you say “finals”, I immediately think exams. “Endings” or some other two syllable word with the same meaning might be a better choice.

This was my favorite out of the three, your imagery is well placed and produces a brilliantly dark picture.

**
I have the least to say about this one’s format and rhythm, as you’ve done a much better job of it. It’s an interesting plot and set up, though I find the last line anti-climatic. The rest of the poem seems to lead up to something vengeance-wise, or a just retribution for the other person’s actions.

**

I assure you that this was meant in the best of ways – I like your poetry thus far, and want to see it improve. A fine job on these three, at any rate, though consider what I’ve said about rhythm and flow.

It's a welcome thing to have another poet enter the Library, I wish you a long and fruitful career," she finishes with a smile, slipping from the Songs of the Harpers to continue cleaning out her domain.

[Vincent Darkheart]

thank you shadow, or should i call you ducky? anyway, the criticism is great, especially on the first one, the order in which i wrote these is reversed as to what i posted them in, as you can tell, the second one, kinda killed me, it was good in the eyes of many, and when it came to it, i always tried to better that one, thanks for the criticism, and on the last one, ive been wanting to add another stanza to it, and im working on it, but i keep having difficulties, ill tell you when i edit it, and repost the entire thing,
and lastly, i meant to do the double up line thing on the hell hound, your supposed to read it a little quicker than switching lines, so, try reading the lines again, pausinghalf as much as you normally would when you meet a comma, or semicolon