deletedmemory/Jemima collab

[Taika of Narfell]

We did this story together back on Icewind Dale. It's not great literature by any means. But it's funny and we had a lot of fun writing it, so I wanted to save it here

Deletedmemory started it:

After running out of ideas with the other. And due to overwhelming demand, ok two people wanted me two and thats enough Im gonna start another. Well see where this goes. And ignore all spelling errors, I do these things in haste and I dont really nitpick with it, thx.
______________________________________

I am born.

From what I remember it wasnt a long and arduous task akin to natural birth. The eighteen hours of prolonged labor, the screams, the agony, I could go on all day but Im a guy so Ive no idea what it feels like. They say pissing out a kidney stone is as close as a male will get. They can keep that in their pipes and smoke it. Ill stick with passing good ole bladder thru urethra urine if its all the same to them.

No, my birth was just the simple fortune of some poor sap overturning the wrong rock. Or something similar, at any rate, I am born and thats all that really damn matters, because I am here. And thus My story is unfolding. And you gentle reader are well reading it. Hence the name really.

Childhood was just that, be being a kid. The usual stupid activities involved. Beating other kids up, getting beat up. Stealing cookies, getting caught, getting spanked (not in the good way), bumps, bruises, cuts, scrapes, laughs, tears etc etc etc. You know how it is.

When I turned nineteen, father died. Leaving me with the few lessons he gave me, I packed my things and boldly strode into the world. For that is The Way, So I flew the home nest and went forth not knowing what in Gods name I was doing. But that **** never bothered me, the path would soon be found. For some reason I beleived in an interconnectedness of it all. A holistic approach if you will. Not some tree hugging, new age, I am your brother type of gimmick that so many people buy into literally, just that everything happens for a reason, and that reason in the connector if you will.

So with my heart sewed on my shoulder I went into the city. There is a constant drone of activity, and smells. The most persistant and noticable one is of unwashed ass. Not good. But I cant hold people to standards I, myself, force myself to adhere to. So I ignore it for the most part. Though sometimes the funk is just too strong, and a reprieve is seeked out, for my nose, and fear of loosing my sence if smell.

I find a nice grungy looking eatery, and seek out the owner to hope to gain employment. I smile and nod alot. He says I look decent enought, cept I smile a tad too much. I secretly commit murder in my mind. And the ole greaseball hires me. Hells yeah, work begins tomarrow, eight am sharp like. Its on now.

So now with the little bit of cash money , mama and mother gave me. I seek out a place to crash.
I found a nice fat girl offering room and board in this huge house. I smiled and nodded, winked, gave her a hug, she pinched my butt, so I know I have to watch that one. Kinda liked it though, I wont lie. Anywho, Ive found a place to sleep and work, and its all good. Hunkering down for the nite, the bedbugs are biting it seems I've become another food group. Not so good., O well, aint nothing a lil flea soap wont take care of.

Lying there on the edge of sleep, fading I remember theres something Im supposed to do, some promise I made. But I cant remember.

*********************

Second entry also by deletedmemory:

Waking up to the sounds of birds chirping and generally pissed off neighbors screaming at one another. Ahh civilisation. I get up, smell the ass of my pants, yep theyll do another day. Get dressed and go on to work. Nothing noteworthy happened, except one guy trying to sell me a hot dog rather emphatically.

Denied he went away. Thank the gods. I walk into work to people shouting at each other. Theres a slob at the other end cracking whe whip so to speak. Sigh my boss, Verno by name. I grin and bear it, it's my first day so I'm gonna get hazed a bit. I expect it. What an asshole sigh. For some reason i wonder what they pay him to do. All he does is shout and scream and not do anything else. I wonder if he really knows whats going on? O'well brownnosing will get you everywhere it seems.

The first thing the "taskmaster" has me do, is scrub baseboards with a toothbrush. I shrug it off, I have to get paid for something. So I get started at the menial task, hearing everyone laugh at me. Scrub, scrub, scrub, I commit mental murder at a frequency of about every five seconds. Scrubbin like a mofo, my arms hurt, and the floow reeks something aweful, I wonder then the last time they changed a mop head. Ick.

After about two hours of this bullsh*t, Im done. Verno, whom I've fully developed a sence of abject hatred for in a matter of minutes, inspects the work like thats what he was trained, and spent eight years in college to do. Jerk. I got something for him......He snorts tells me its fine and waddles off like a penguin aflame. What a joke. O well, I try to look interested by grabbing a broom and sweeping halfheartedly. It's amazing thats all you have to do, look busy. So I spent another four hours sweeping.

Finally the day is done, I grin and nod when I get outside. Smelling the air thats not saturated with grease is truly a small pleasure, one I'm sure I'll never get tired of. I spy a hottie walking down the street. O' yeah ^_~, I follow. As she walks into a fish shop, I come in as well.

"Hi", I say while stearing firmly at my feet and shuffling them a bit.

"Hello", she says with a smile, while hurrying behind the desk in a huff, trying to get back to work.

"Whats your name?", I asked deciding to go for broke.

"Jemima", she says,

"Yours?" she asks. I dont respond, I just think of the name Jemima over and over in my head, what a beautiful name,I dont realize it until she points it out, but I'm drooling and looking rather frightning. Staring off in the distance. Eyes glazed over. Far, far away.

"Yeah", I respond, and walk out of the shop, dazed. Nearly got flattened by a taxi cab as I go out of the door into the street. I made it back home in one peice. The landlady is there to greet me with another hug, and another firm squeeze of my buttcheeks. I hardly noticed it, and stumbled up to my room, mumbling and babbling incoherently the name, Jemima, over and over.....

[Taika of Narfell]

Then I added an entry:

When I get home that day I can't help but think of the strange bloke from the shop. I hadn't noticed him in the street, busy as I was, but then he'd come into the shop, where I work. He asked my name and I answered seeing no harm in being polite. I had asked for his in return, but he seemed lost in thought.

After a while I had noticed that he was drooling slightly and felt the need to point it out to him before he made a fool of himself. He really must have been far away, cause he just said "Yeah" and left.

A pity, really, I never did get his name. He looked a friendly sort, if not a bit distracted. I'd have followed him out of the shop to strike up a conversation had it not been for the fact that it's my job to stay there. Of course when I could finally go home, he was long gone.

I sigh and pull up my legs as I sit on the couch in my appartment. His face haunts me still; those eyes looking at some point lightyears away. My thoughts drift off and I let them. Only when I catch myself thinking of him as being 'rather cute' I decide to go get some sleep. Geez, I don't even know the guy! I must be going out of my mind.

I go to bed hoping a good night's sleep can set my thoughts straight again. Listening to the sounds of the city I fall asleep.

When I wake in the morning, he still hasn't left my head. Persistent sort apparently. Oh well, nothing to do about it, I'll probably never see him again, so I might as well just forget about him.

I'm a bit tired still, so after getting out of the shower, I don't really find the energy to cook up a decent breakfast. I merely find some bread and make do with that. I don't sit at my table - I never do, in fact I much prefer sitting on my window sill. I guess I have a need to spy on people, 'cause that's what I do from there. I guess it's that innate curiosity of mine.

Anyways, this morning I sit in my window as usual. The window is open of course, as I need to get some fresh air into my home from time to time - not that opening the window helps at all, but it gives me the satisfaction of actually doing something useful in the morning.

So I sit there observing what goes on in the street, which is nothing, so again my mind is free to wander - and it does. In fact it wanders so much that I don't even notice the bloody pigeon landing on the window sill above mine until it's too late.

Oh well, when the droppings land on my bread, my natural reaction to a shock this early in the morning is to drop it. It (bread and bird droppings) land on someone's head. This someone starts yelling unpleasantries at me, and before I recover from the initial shock, he's walked into the house, probably to seék me out and tell me a thing or two about afore mentioned bread and bird droppings.

If there's one thing I don't wanna see in the morning, it's an angry person with bird dropping in his hair. Mainly because I'm certain I won't be able to stop laughing, and I'm failry sure that this particular person won't appreciate me laughing at him.

So I rush to the front door and make sure it's locked. Then I grab a few necessities, like extra clothing and my toothbrush. As the very angry fella starts banging on my door, I carefully climb out of my window and grab the drainpipe for safe descent.

"Geez, he must really hate my door" I think as I slide down. When I have both feet safely on the ground I consider where to go. As the mad chap upstairs doesn't know where I work, I figure I might as well go to work, and then figure out what to do later. So I walk off at a brisk pace, just to make sure the resentful man doesn't see the direction I flee in.


Deleted answered:

Waking in a cold sweat again. I cant seem to shake the image of the fish shop girl Jemima thats now forever scorched into my retina. Nothing to do about it now, I have to go to work and deal with that quivering mound of blubber Verno again. Put up with his obnoxious crap for one more monotonous neverending day.

I get out of bed and smell the ass of my jeans again. They are getting a bit cheesy, Im gonna have to wash them I think, I hit the closet and grab another pair. Getting dressed, I hear a squeek and some scratching. I shrug it off and make a note of it, to investigate later.

Taking my time on the walk over to the workplace, Im soaking the early morning sun, and everystep is heavier and heavier. I simply hate the place. I hate everyone there. I want to torch the place, but the owners alright I suppose. So Im not gonna do that. I think I might torch Verno though.

Walking in I take up a broom, and set to moving the same pile of dirt on the floor for the next eight hours. Boring really, but strangly thereputic. Gives one time to contemplate life and all the things that swirl, ebb, and flow within oneself. In this case murderous feeling towards a coworker.

Then theres Jemima, the finest fish peddler I've ever seen, an angel of sorts. With clammy hands, but that is a given considering her line of work. I hadnever seen a person with a gleam before her, but there you go really, she gleams. Bing! It's nice. A glow that accenuates her already unearthly beauty.

Time rolls on and on, and for once The Bastard doesnt make me clean baseboards. He seems to be trying to get the attentions of some of the more in shape men who work there. Owell to each his own I reckon. Which leaves me, alone. And I wouldnt have it any other way.

Shift finally over, I didnt really do anything. Punching out, I head over to the shoppe, to holla at Jemima. I hear some haggling goin on over the price of tuna as I walk in. I resust the urge to throw the moor out on his ear for talking smack to this charmin lil angel/demon that has become my infatuation lately.

I walk up to her and smile. Im sure shes seem better smiles on a corpse, by the slight flinch she gave me. I just stand there and grin.

"hi", she says, "you never gave me your name"

"Really"?, I asked.

"yeah, you just walked away?" she responded. Looking at me with big luminous eyes.

"O", I said, and fell over.....

[Taika of Narfell]

'Twas my turn to add an entry:

"Jaysus Effin Christ!" I exclaim as I rush to the side of this strange bloke, who just came into my shop - again - and passed out. "What is wrong with him?" I say aloud with an exasperated sigh. Just as I thought my day couldn't get any worse, I have to be a good Samaritan as well. Just my luck, I think, and I curse silently as I kneel by his side.

Hmm, aside from the annoyance he's caused in me I still find him strangely appealing. I lean over him to chack if he's breathing. He is. Damn! No need for artificial respiration! Now where did that thought come from? Blast it, I thought I'd gotten him outta my head. Guess not.

Oh well, he seems to be fine, aside from being unconscious that is. What to do, what to do. He can't stay like this that's for sure. A person lying on the floor looking dead to the world is not good for business. He needs to get away from there.

I need to wake him up, hmmmm...oh, yes! Water. It always works in movies. I grab the nearest bowl of water and empty it in his face. Only too late do I realize that I cleaned fish in that water moments ago. Oh hell, he'll have to live through it.

After the quick shower his eyes flutter and he slowly comes to. With an incoherent mumble he opens his eyes and look at me with a very confused look on his face.
"You alright?" I ask him.
An amazingly eloquent "uuuuhh" escapes his lips.
"Look", I say, "you can't stay here like this. You got a place to go?"
He nods, still looking at me with that befuddled expression.
"Can you get there by yourself?" I question him, and somewhere deep inside, I think I'm hoping for a "no". But I don't even get that. In fact there's no reaction at all. He just stares at me. His confused expression has changed into something else, he now looks like there is some kind of thoughts going on behind those glazed eyes - and it's creeping me out.

I get up and go to the back room. I have a friend, who can take care of the shop, while I help this unfortunate stranger home. I call her, and she promises to be there in no time. Having settled that matter I return to my silent guest. He's now sitting upright on the floor, starign at the door I came through, and as I walk towards him his gaze follow me intently. I am almost certain his thought processes have started again.

"We need to get you home." I say as I offer him my hand. He takes it and I help him up. He's still swaying slightly, so I hold on to him, to prevent him from falling and passing out on me again. Being this close I also notice that the fishy odeur of the water I used for waking him has settled in his hair and shirt. I feel a little guilty about that but smile smugly to myself when I realize that it's a great excuse to get that shirt off of him. Gods! I'm doing it again. This will be the death of me, surely. But once again my treacherous mind create images of a shower...oh, dear. Not good.

I'm awoken from my daydreaming as my friend comes rushing into the shop. With a quick glance at my rather large pathetic looking patient, she smiles and assures me that she'll take care of everything here. I nod gratefully and promise her that I'll make it up to her for stealing her time like this. I was gonna say some more, but she looks pointedly at me and the bloke leaning on me, and tells me to get him the hell home or shell pummel me. I laugh curtly and thank her again before I leave the shop with the dazed guy.

"Ooohkay", I say, "you point the way"


And deleted followed suit:

The world slips and falls away, I cant stop it, fading and fading, to a darken hue of the limits of the mind. A subverive hole that sucks away at me, falling, falling, cannot stop the inevitable. There will be no reprieve, just and endless fall.

The wind no longer rushes my ears, theres silence, not the absence of sound, but the exact opposite, whats on the otherside of noice. This is where stars are born. A swirling blackness, in which chaos or simple bad luck was sprang from.

Nothing to do about it now. I lie still, and focus on nothingness. Not so hard to do since thats all that seems to be present. In my minds eye swims an eel, with my face on it, laughing and breathing smoke. I turn away from the eyes, they are so dead and cold. So like my own I realize. There is no inner sparkle of life, just an emptiness that shouldnt be there. I realize this is my karmic image, of what I really am inside. How sh*tty is that?

I should lodge a complaint, but to whom? No one there is only me, and the sweety from the fish shop I cant even communicate with, other than slurs and gurgles, and thats no good at all really.

I realize theres a constant drone now, and I hear a voice. "Jaysus...." and its lost in a rush, as something wet has hit me.

Ive awaken, in the fish shop, and shes talking, looking rather dishiveled and annoyed.....


And I took over again:

After our stumbling stroll we finally reach the building that some people would call a house. We walk inside and are received by a sternlooking woman, arms crossed, standing in the stairwell. She nods a curt greeting to my queasy companion and then turns to me. She frowns as her gaze reaches my hands supporting our mutual friend. I steel myself and return her gaze.

As our eyes meet I realise that this woman hates me. For no apparent reason she dislikes me to a degree of pure malice. Her face radiates scorn of the most vigorous kind and I have absolutely no idea why. Quite frustrating really - to know that you are the object of someones utter disdain, without having an inkling as to what to do about it.

No matter, this woman doesn't seem like the kind of person I'd befriend anyway. So I give her my most intimidating glare (which doesn't seem to impress her much) and carefully prod my companion in the direction of the stairs.

Having ascended the first flight of stairs I feel a couple of burning holes in my back. I turn slightly, and it doesn't surprise me much to see aforementioned landlady glaring daggers at me. As I can't really do anything about it now due to my lack of mobility, what with the strange sod leaning on me and all, I merely shrug and continue up the next flight of stairs.

The revealing sound of a creaking step tells me that my newfound enemy is following us. I decide that I will have to have a little chat with her at some point.

As we enter the apartment she is still standing in the stairwell looking reproachfully after us. I assume she doesn't like rivals... Geez, it continues, when did I become her rival? My mind can be quite persistent it seems. Hmmm, but it could explain here enmity towards me. Oh, well if I had a rival (or thought I had one) I wouldn't be too happy about it either. I pointedly ignore the not very charming woman and close the door in her face.

"What's with her anyway?" I say to no one in particular.

"Nadjette" is the mumbled answer I get from the guy standing next to me.

"Oh good, now I know her name, and I really don't care. The only name I'd really like to know right now, is yours"

No answer - as usual. Oh well, I go about my business, which is now getting the rather sleepy looking sap safely to his bed. A quick look around the apartment reveals the location of said bed.

"Don't you think you should go to bed?" I ask

He turns towards me. At least that was a reaction of some kind. I step up to him, look him in the eyes, still amazed that someone can be so far away and still standing on his own two.

"Go. Bed. Sleep. Now," Is ay, making sure that I articulate every word accurately. He seems to understand now and turns towards the bed. He manages to walk there by himself - I'm impressed, we are apparently making progress here. He lies down and I go look in the kitchen. AFter a quick look around I decide that there's nothing there worth my attention.

Checking back with the now fully sleeping bloke, I figure I might as well go sort out a few things with this Nadjette woman.

I leave the apartment silently, trying not to wake it's sleeping occupant. Nadjette must have given up staring at the door, so I descend the stairs to where I first saw her. Assuming that she has made a habit of prowling the first floor to watch everyone coming and going - that's where I go to find her. And sure enough, there she was.

I walk over to her, and only now do I realise that I have no idea what to say. But alas, she's seen me. Ok, here goes. I decide to be blunt, thus I ask her:

"Why do you hate me?"

Before she answers I notice the sound of the creaking step from before - someone's watching us. Clearly she didn't hear it. Hmmm, This could turn out to be fun.

"What is your business with my tenant?" She asks.

"I'm sorry, I don't see how that's any of your business" I answer trying to sound as indifferent as possible. Again the creaking step behind us makes a sound. My goodness, she lives here, it's her house, and she dosn't even notice the little sounds that should be familiar to her.

Uh oh, now she's building up a rage. Her face takes on a rather ugly shade of red, not that it wasn't ugly before, but still this is disturbingly close to purple. I can see a thrashing coming here...

[Taika of Narfell]

Deleted did the honours:

I hear a commotion as I still pretend to sleep. At first I'm thinkin I am dreaming as two women seem to be arguing over me. That is sweet! Mainly because I'm not dreaming at all. As it happens there is one hot bia down there and a chunky land lady who contantly pinches my bottom.

The voices are rising, along with myself (user wants to be blocked lol), so I got out of bed in case Jemima el scorcho fish chicka came back, and I headed for the stairs. What I saw and heard will be forever burnt into my retina and ear drums. As a footnote, it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.

Picture this, Jem on one foot in some strange martial art post, shirt torn open, Nadjette arms raised in classic boxer stance, yep, shirt torn open. Anyhow, theres these weird cried issued from Jemima, very very Bruce Lee esque.

"Awwwwwwww, Waahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaa" Its cool as ice cream on a hot summer day gentle reader.
And you know it, so dont even try to deny it.

The action continues around the room, there are some wet meaty slaps going on. So I inch down the stairs a lil bit, to see Jemima sporting a shiner, and Nadjette with a rather mangled nose.

I heard the term; bitch, a few times, and some other less than pleasant terms. I was happy, though worried, I really dig Jem, but the landlady lets me live there, o well I can sleep in a corner, and be happy if Jemima has me. Theres something entirely loveable about that thought.

In the meantime these two are duking it out hardcore, and Im wishing for popcorn and beer, but nah, that means I'll be seen and I dont want to disrupt this, domestic violence ya know? They might turn against me since I'm the root of the problem or source of dissagreement. So it seems.

Back to the action, Jemima has gone to a more effective counterpunch tactic, and it seems to be wearing down the heavy aggressor Nadjette. For ever blow Nadjette lands, Jemimas landing four or five, it;s getting ugly like orangutans.

Nadjette is clearly in serious duress, and in a world of hurt, slowing visibly, she staggers like a drunken slob, punching at empty air. Jemima on the other hand, is juking and jiving and stickin her pretty frequently with little or no molestation from her opponent.

Jemima steps up with what is the most punishing overhand left I've ever seen, right into Nadjette's right cheek as she looks right into the fist, theres a loud crack. OOOOOO, damn. Fractured cheekbone, thats gonna hurt awhile for sure, she fall strait down, face up, out to the world at large.

I caugh and look to Jemima, and try to smile disarmingly, I dunno if it worked, or it was something else, still with shirt torn open and the puppies schwingin she walks over and hugs me and lays the sweetest kiss ever on me.......


And then the finale fell to me:

A long and deep kiss. I snake my arms around his neck and relish in the sensation of his lips against mine. Gods! He's a good kisser! I feel his arms encircle me and I find myself liking the feeling of being held like this.

After a while I find myself sorely in need of drawing breath, so I break the kiss and look him in the eyes. And I just have to comment:

"You do, of course, realise that I've probably just ensured that you'll be thrown out of your appartment?"

He looks at me and utters the longest sentence I've heard from him so far:

"Yea, got no place to stay anymore, so what? I got you, babe" Suddenly a flash of doubt crosses his face "I do have you, right?"

"You think I just risked life, limbs, and a first class shiner for nothing? What else could I've been fighting for?"

He just looks at me. Though this time the look in his eyes is more like that of a puppy dog. O Gods, I think, now he's gonna go all mute on me again. But, no, it doesn't go quite that far.
"So." He says "I'll just grab my things..." I don't let him finish. Instead I grab his arm and pull him upstairs, while rambling rapidly on about what we'll need, what I have with me already, and so on, and so forth.

When we reach the flat, I suspect neither of us really have any thought for practicalities...


[Dear reader, insert your own vivid imagination from here and onwards]















[Yeah, like that]















[Just like that]














[Uhhh, you sure 'bout this?]














[OMG, How'd you come up with such a thing?]















[You want me to do WHAT!?!?!]

















[Wow, I didn't know I could bend like that...]

















[Come on, people, we're adults here]
















[Really...]
















[You can't be serious]




















[Finally. And now maybe we can get some sleep...]















[No?]


















[Guess not]



















[Here we go again]



















[Is that even possible?]




















[Yup it was]


















[Jeezus! You've got to be kidding]




















[Once more?!?!?]



















[hmmmmm]





















[Are you done now?]





















[Good]

As we wake up some time later, we agree on packing up and leaving before Nadjette downstairs decides to wake up and call the police. We grab what we can and silently leave the building.

As we walk hand in hand towards the ox-blood-coloured sunset, the birds are already singing out the story of the two of us. And just before we disappear from your view, dear reader, I turn to my lover and say:

"You know, I never did get your name"



-----The End-----

There for y'all's enjoyment