Forgotten Rememberance

[shironbarbaros]

This is the first installment for this story that I am working on parallel to several others.

I hope you enjoy it.

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Paige picked up her head slightly and closed her eyes, she felt the wind blowing softly and loved it. She was sitting on a park bench her pale face smiling dreamily, just letting the wind blow over her. She loved the autumn season, how it changed everything around her and how it inspired so much beauty and passion. She opened her eyes revealing a brilliant blue gaze as she looked back down at her writing book. She had started a poem titled “Falling” but unlike most days, today, the title was the only thing written. She had so many ideas on how to start the poem but not a single one she felt would do it justice. She sighed as she placed her book and pen back inside her bag and throwing it over her shoulder she began her walk back home. Her crimson hair was being blown behind her as she walked almost by habit the route that she took everyday at this time. She started past the uninhabited children’s play ground when she noticed a familiar someone sitting on the swing set. She smiled,
“Hello Amanda.”
The woman on the swing looked up at her,
“Dreary day isn’t it?”
Amanda was wearing a gray rain coat with a hood pulled up over her head which obscured most of her face. When she was not hiding her face it revealed that she had eyes almost as gray as her coat and with hair as black as the shadow behind her. Her right ear was pierced in several places allowing for silver loops to be put all the way around her ear as well as a detailed tattoo above and beneath her right eye. Paige’s smile faded,
“when will you cheer up and do something with your life?”
Amanda looked back at the ground,
“when the sky falls and all hell breaks into thousands of splinters.”
Paige had known Amanda since elementary school and she had always been depressive, quiet, and almost crazy sounding. When they met she had no friends and was shunned by most everyone including the teachers. But when Paige joined the class Amanda welcomed her warmly into the folds of her mysterious life. But even as they have been friends for almost eight years she still was very secretive and kept many things from her. Paige disregarded this last comment and moved closer to her friend.
“so you coming?”
Paige looked at her friend hopefully. Amanda sat for a moment before answering,
“sure.”
Amanda stood from the swing and the two walked together saying little while they returned home.
Amanda turned the key and opened the door into a dorm room on the Texas Tech Campus, room 105. Amanda went directly to her desk where she had her laptop tucked away underneath a mountain of homework, While Paige went to storing her bag away removing her book from it and placing it beneath her pillow.
“Tell me again why you do that?”
Amanda said turning to her friend,
“do what?”
“put your book under your pillow.”
“to help me dream on my poetry so I might make it better.”
“ah, if you think so.”
Amanda turned back to her computer and began typing away. She was quite the computer whiz, programming and flying around the internet a true to heart leader of geeks. Paige watched for a moment amazed by her friends ability to make the computer do what she wanted it to do. Paige was technically incompetent, she couldn’t even turn one on if Amanda wasn’t there. In all actuality Paige and Amanda had very little in common. Amanda was very analytical and logical up to the point where she was insane. Paige was artistic and creative. Amanda was quiet, reserved, and often times refused to be around people. While Paige was talkative, energetic, and loved people. The only noticeable thing they had in common was their lack of caring towards homework. They both had no extra space on their desks for everything was taken up by mountains of paper, all homework from the classes that they took.


....

[ShadowDucky]

Firstly: For the love of all that is good and holy, put physical spaces in between paragraphs. It makes things much easier to read.

Ahem. *straightens skirts* Now that that's out of the way, I'll get down to business.

Your first ten sentences start with "She" or "Her". Change that around, it becomes very repetive to read after a while.

but unlike most days, today, the title was the only thing written.
Take out the comma after today here.

You have pretty varied description here, nice job.

She smiled,
“Hello Amanda.”
The woman on the swing looked up at her,
“Dreary day isn’t it?”
You need to learn how to write dialogue correctly. This is not it. When a character speaks, it belongs in a new paragraph, with the first letter capitalized. Any description generally comes afterward. Something like this:
"Hello Amanda," she said, smiling.
"Dreary day, isn't it?" replied the woman on the swing, looking up at her.

Please fix the dialogue in this, and when you write elsewhere. Otherwise it's hard to tell who's saying what.

Paige had known Amanda since elementary school and she had always been depressive, quiet, and almost crazy sounding. When they met she had no friends and was shunned by most everyone including the teachers. But when Paige joined the class Amanda welcomed her warmly into the folds of her mysterious life. But even as they have been friends for almost eight years she still was very secretive and kept many things from her. Paige disregarded this last comment and moved closer to her friend.

You change tenses at the end of this paragraph - no! Bad! *slaps wrist* Biggest pet peeve ever. Pick a tense and stick to it. The rest of your description here is fine . . . but is there a reason Amanda chose Paige as a friend?

Amanda stood from the swing and the two walked together saying little while they returned home.
Amanda turned the key and opened the door into a dorm room on the Texas Tech Campus, room 105. Amanda went directly to her desk where she had her laptop tucked away underneath a mountain of homework, While Paige went to storing her bag away removing her book from it and placing it beneath her pillow.


Again, overuse of the same way of starting a sentence. Amanda. Amanda. Amanda. Change it up, alter the structure.

At the end of your last paragraph, I'd rethink some phrases, mostly "up to the point where she was insane". Try to make it more subtle, or show that other people considered her a bit cracked.

Continue working on expanding your word choice and etc, as it'll keep your reader entertained. All in all, this one is pretty decent (and has a refreshing change in topic from your other work). Post more!

*wanders off to dust things*

[shironbarbaros]

I seem to have been absent too long and missed this.

Well, I will be happy to tell you that i learned over time of my own that the things you explained here needed fixing. I took it upon myself to do so.

Thank you for your thoughts though, reading them directly is a bit of a good refresher.

I would also be glad to say that i have since edited this and all of my other writings including a few of my poems.

So again, thank you very much and I do hope to see you again soon luv.

adieu
--Shiron Barbaros (Lucian Adonis)