Letters End

[shironbarbaros]

Ths is one of the several that I am working on as of recently.

Its just an idea, a draft to what it might be in the future.

I hope you like, please comment.

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Dear Mr.Thompson

You dont know me but I do indeed know you. Your face is everywhere these days because of your outstanding achievment in modern literature. Your writings inspire me to be greater than I am. They move me in ways that most could only imagine. I wish to grow as you have grown and do something with my life that will forever be remembered in the hearts of those whom I touch.
I thank you for the power you have bestowed upon my heart and soul.

Greg Thompson, a published writer and retired forensic scientist stood next to the fireplace in the dark study. He ran his hand through his short blond hair and wondered about the letter. Ever since he was a forensic scientist he noticed things and wondered about things almost paranoid like. His green eyes ran over the letter again as he thought about how clean and perfect the letter was and how the sended had neglected to sign it.
"Weird"
He said softly to himself in a rather gruff voice. He put the letter back in its envelope and placed inside the box of the days fanmail, carefully sorted from the nessacery bills and the like. One such letter was fron his ex-wife, Georgia. He looked at it for a moment before pulling out his lighter and catching the paper aflame. Dropping it in the fireplace he walked from his dark study into the light of his kitchen. He knew what the letter said without having to open it. His ex simply was attempting once more to get sole custody of Kaylee, their teenage daughter. He had previously gained custody because Georgia was a drunk and had a history of violence. And simply because no-one had seen her drink or seen her become violent in public was not reason enough for Greg to even think of giving Kaylee up even for a weekend.
He pulled a soda out of the fridge and decided to go get kaylee up from bed. He had been gone all night and only got back a few minutes before eight am. He hadn't planned to be back for another half-hour but he made a point to be early instead of late to things. He walked through the living room and began climbing the stairs. He turned to kaylees room and noticed the door ajar. He peeked in and saw she was still in bed, but that wasn't the only thing he noticed. He noticed that Kaylee was not the only one still in bed.
He pushed the door open as quietly as possible making next to no noise. He walked over to the foot of the bed and instead of seeing the dorky guy she had been dating not two weeks before he saw her best friend Meagan. He was slightly shocked to see this and just stood in wonderment. Kaylee stirred slightly and her eyes opened, she didn't notice her father standing not five feet from her but leaned over to Meagan and kissed her ear.
"Its time to get up sleepy head."
Kaylee turned to get out of bed when she took notice of Greg just standing there with a rather confused look on his face.

[ShadowDucky]

Okay, I'm trying to make it a general policy in The Library to have at least some serious critique of whatever is posted, so here goes .

Greg Thompson, a published writer and retired forensic scientist stood next to the fireplace in the dark study. He ran his hand through his short blond hair and wondered about the letter. Ever since he was a forensic scientist he noticed things and wondered about things almost paranoid like. His green eyes ran over the letter again as he thought about how clean and perfect the letter was and how the sended had neglected to sign it.

Okay . . . if you mention that he's a forensic scientist in the first sentence, you don't need to reiterate it again, especially not this quickly. Try to find a different way to point out his analytical nature, perhaps. Also, find different words or phrases to describe the same objects (like the letter), it helps keep focus. Sended should be sender.


Weird"
He said softly to himself in a rather gruff voice. He put the letter back in its envelope and placed inside the box of the days fanmail, carefully sorted from the nessacery bills and the like. One such letter was fron his ex-wife, Georgia. He looked at it for a moment before pulling out his lighter and catching the paper aflame. Dropping it in the fireplace he walked from his dark study into the light of his kitchen. He knew what the letter said without having to open it. His ex simply was attempting once more to get sole custody of Kaylee, their teenage daughter. He had previously gained custody because Georgia was a drunk and had a history of violence.


The grammar of speech should make the first bit go like this: "Weird," he thought to himself . . .
The next part is a good place to put this backstory, but think about altering some of your word choice.

And simply because no-one had seen her drink or seen her become violent in public was not reason enough for Greg to even think of giving Kaylee up even for a weekend.

Try altering this sentence, it's awkward. Maybe something like "The fact that she hadn't been seen violent or drunk in public was not reason enough for Greg to consider the possibility of giving Kaylee up for even a weekend."

He pulled a soda out of the fridge and decided to go get kaylee up from bed. He had been gone all night and only got back a few minutes before eight am. He hadn't planned to be back for another half-hour but he made a point to be early instead of late to things. He walked through the living room and began climbing the stairs. He turned to kaylees room and noticed the door ajar. He peeked in and saw she was still in bed, but that wasn't the only thing he noticed. He noticed that Kaylee was not the only one still in bed.

Grammatically, capitalize her name every time you use it. Also, look over comma rules. Stylistically, you can use more pronouns - they won't get confused because we only have these two characters thus far. Keep working on expanding your word choice, but good job inserting bits of his personality without disrupting flow.

He pushed the door open as quietly as possible making next to no noise. He walked over to the foot of the bed and instead of seeing the dorky guy she had been dating not two weeks before he saw her best friend Meagan. He was slightly shocked to see this and just stood in wonderment. Kaylee stirred slightly and her eyes opened, she didn't notice her father standing not five feet from her but leaned over to Meagan and kissed her ear.
"Its time to get up sleepy head."
Kaylee turned to get out of bed when she took notice of Greg just standing there with a rather confused look on his face.

Look over comma rules/use. And here's a question for you to think about, to help you work on getting into your characters heads: Would Greg, who is as you've mentioned a retired scientist and a writer, use the word "dorky"? When you're talking about his perspective, keep that in mind. Change this bit to two sentences: Kaylee stirred slightly and her eyes opened. She didn't notice her father standing . . . "

This wasn't too bad, I'm curious to see where it's going to go. Post another bit!

[shironbarbaros]

lol, yeah you will be happy to know my vocabulary has expanded well over the past few months.

My grammer is still in need of a few good lessons but thats just me being difficult.

Thank you again for the critique, and I will hopefully post more when and if this site becomes active again, or if you happen by and still wish to see more.

Til then, adieu.